Most authors and teachers of relationship fall into the “gender trap” — they see relationship issues through the lens of gender conditioning. This is like looking at a person with an overcoat on and trying to describe his or her naked body. The Gender Approach is useful in shining a light on where most couples begin their relationship journeys but as a prescription for how to be in a relationship can lead to disastrous results. Instead of fostering intimacy, they can actually reinforce the differences between us, leading to feelings of alienation and separation.
The Undefended Approach immediately dives below the “cloak” of gender conditioning. Gender is viewed as two sides of the same coin. The reader’s attention is drawn to the common substance, the gold of the coin, that we all share.